A Dialogue That Reminds Me of My Secrets
國立中興大學 外國語文學系
Diary
M: HEY! WHAT’S SO URGENT?
A: I WENT TO SEE EMILY.
M: WHY?
A: I WANTED TO GO TO TALK TO HER AFTER SEEING HOW UPSET YOU WERE AT THE RESTAURANT. I WENT TO STICK UP FOR YOU.
M: ITS NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO FIX.
A: YOU ARE NEVER GONNA TELL ME THAT YOU CHEATED ON HER, AREN’T U?
M: THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. I DID THE HORRIBLE THING. AND I REALLY FELT BAD ABOUT IT. YOU WANNA RRING IT UP? SO WE CAN FEEL WORSE?
A. NONONNO! THIS ISNT ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU CHEATED. OKAY, WE HAVE ALL DONE DUMB THINGS. THIS IS ABOUT THE FACT YOU DON’T TRUST ME ENOUGH TO TELL ME THE TRUTH.
M. I WANTED TO.
A: LISTEN. IVE THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT THIS. AND YOU HAVE A PATTERN OF KEEPING THINGS TO YOURSLEF. YOU HID THE TRUTH ABOUT EMILY. YOU MADE HER SEEM LIKE A BAD GUY. AND BEFORE THAT, YOU DIDN’T TELL ME WHAT REALLY HAPPENED WHEN YOU CAME OUT TO YOUR PARENTS THAT THEY BADLY REACTED. YOU DON’T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT YOURSELF.
M. I KNOW (INTERRUPTED)
A: I THINK THAT WHEN YOUR PARENTS DIDN’T ACCEPT YOU YOU STOP TRUSTING THAT ARE CLOSEST TO YOU. I TOTALLY GET THAT. BUT MAGGI, YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE GUARDED WITH ME. I AM NOT HERE TO JUDGE THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN THE PAST; I AM HERE TO HELP YOU HEAL.
M. YOU DON’T THINK I AM A BAD PERSON?
A: NO. ACTUALLY I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE PERFECT. ITS REALLY NICE TO SEE THAT YOU HAVE PROBLEMS, TOO.
M. THANK YOU.
THIS DIALOGUE REMINDED ME OF MY SIMILAR LIFE EXPERIENCE THAT I HAD MADE THE SAME MISTAKE AS MAGGIE DID. PERHAPS A SMALL LIE FOR A SMALL ACCOMPLISHMENT? PERHAPS AS MUCH AS A BRAGGING TALK MADE ON PURPOSE SO THAT EVERYBODY WOULD THINK ME OF A GOOD PERSON THAT NEVER REALLY EXISTED? I KINDA REGRETTED ABOUT THE DUMB THINGS THAT I HAD DONE IN MY LIFE THAT CORRUPTED MY SIMPLE LIFE. WE ALL WENT THROUGH DICK MOVES (HONESTLY, FEW OF US AVOID THAT), AND IN PUBERTY WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT. BUT THAT PAYS OFF EVENTUALLY WHEN YOUR CONSCIENCE COMES BACK (ANOTHER THOUGHT POP INTO MY MIND AT THIS VERY MOMENT NOW. ITS ABOUT MASTER WISTAN IN ISHIGURO’S THE BURIED GIANT. WILL DO IT SOME OTHER DAY). NOW I AM CLEANED AND RELIEVED WHEN SEEING THIS TOUCHING SCENE (NOT TRYING TO BE HYPER-EMOTIONAL, AS RICK PUT IT ON HIS GRANDDAUGHTER), KNOWING THAT WHEN MY PARENTS HURTED ME TO AN CERTAIN EXTANT THAT I DIVERTED FROM THE RIGHT PATH AS WELL AS DISTRUSTING EVERYONE DEEP DOWN IN MY HEART. THAT MADE SENSE AND REASONABLE, AS A HUMAN BEING I DON’T DENY IT. BUT WHEN I GREW OLDER AND LEARNED TO PIECE MYSELF TOGETHER, FOR BETTER OR WORSE, I HAD NO CHOICE BUT ACCEPTED TO KNOW MYSELF WITHOUT LIES. YEAH! I AM NEITHER BETTER THAN OTHERS, NOR SMARTER (THOUGH THE FABRICATED SLEF-IMAGINATION MOTIVATED ME ONCE). I AM NOW WELCOME IN SELF-ACCEPTANCE AND HAPPINESS, FOR I KNOW THAT NO ONE IS GONNA JUDGE ME FOR WHAT I HAD DONE, AND ONE DAY I WILL CONFESS THEM ONCE AND FOR ALL.
